FSB Official Jokes thread - Page 12 - Ford Bronco Forum
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post #221 of 229 (permalink) Old 03-18-2017, 10:17 AM
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Son at breakfast table: "Dad, are we Irish?"

Dad: "Shut up and drink your whiskey"

I bought a Jeep, now it burns when I wee...
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post #222 of 229 (permalink) Old 03-18-2017, 10:43 AM
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how do little jewish boys tie their shoes?









in little nazis
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post #223 of 229 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 02:24 AM
Harley's & Bronco's FTW!
 
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An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...

The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said ,"Things are great and I've never felt better! I now have a 30 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that Doc?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story.

"I have an older friend much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature.
Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'. Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.

The 86-year-old said, "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly."
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"When life throws you a curve... LEAN INTO IT!"

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post #224 of 229 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 06:20 AM
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So a man and a women get married. He works out of town during the week, and comes home on the weekends.
Husband comes home, wife says, "Honey the car won't start can you take a look at?"
He says, "Who and the hell do I look like Mr Goodwrench?" She calls a repairman, he goes out of town and a few weeks later on another weekend, he comes home.
Wife says, "Honey the washer won't spin, can you take a look at it?"
"Who in the hell do I look like The Maytag Man?" She calls a repairman, he goes out of town again and a few weeks later, he comes home.
Wife says "Honey the A/C went out but a young man came by, he fixed it and said for payment he wanted me to bake him a cake or I had to have sex with him."
Husband says, "What kind of cake did you bake him?"
She says, "Who in the hell do I look like Betty Crocker?"
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A work in progress
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post #225 of 229 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 01:03 PM
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Retirement

Why I Like Retirement !

Question: How many days in a week?
Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday

Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?
Answer: Two hours after he falls asleep on the couch.

Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb?
Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.

Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.

Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount.

Question: Among retirees, what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.

Question: Why do retirees count pennies?
Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.


Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?
Answer: NUTS!


Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.

Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer: Normal.

Question: What is the best way to describe retirement?
Answer: The never ending Coffee Break.

Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.

Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with?
Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.

And, my very favorite....
QUESTION: What do you do all week?
Answer: Monday through Friday, NOTHING. Saturday & Sunday, I rest.


SERENITY

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,
'How old was your husband?' '98,' she replied....
'Two years older than me'
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented..
She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?


Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
'And what do you think is the best thing
about being 104?' the reporter asked...
She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'


The nice thing about being senile is
you can hide your own Easter eggs
and have fun finding them.


I've sure gotten old!
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate
cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind,
can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
take 40 different medications that
make me dizzy, winded, and subject to
blackouts. Have bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation; hardly feel my
hands and feet anymore. Can't remember
if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends.
But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.


I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to
join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and
down, and perspired for an hour. But,
by the time I got my leotards on,
the class was over.


My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.


It's scary when you start making the same
noises as your coffee maker.

These days about half the stuff in my
shopping cart says, 'For fast relief.'


THE SENILITY PRAYER :
Grant me the senility to forget the people
I never liked anyway, the good fortune
to run into the ones I do, and the
eyesight to tell the difference.
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If you can't or won't stand behind our troops and law enforcement; feel free to stand in front of them.
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post #226 of 229 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 03:26 PM
Harley's & Bronco's FTW!
 
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I'm way to young to identify with all those... and yet, here I am; killing it!

"When life throws you a curve... LEAN INTO IT!"

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post #227 of 229 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 08:13 PM
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Men are happier

Men Are Just Happier People

What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to
turn a nut on a bolt. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over
in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be
your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Two pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same
hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes - one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife. You
have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. No wonder men are happier.


NICKNAMES

- If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.

- If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman.

EATING OUT

- When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

- When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY

- A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

- A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS

- A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.

- The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS

- A woman has the last word in any argument.

- Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE

- A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

- A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

MARRIAGE

- A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

- A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP

- A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

- A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL

- Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

- Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING

- Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

- A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:

A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

If you can't or won't stand behind our troops and law enforcement; feel free to stand in front of them.
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post #228 of 229 (permalink) Old 03-29-2017, 02:57 AM
House of Windsor 4ever!
 
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Actually, a good man will willingly dress up for church, weddings and funerals.

_____________________________________________

[Silver70] In 100 years, when astronauts visit the landing site, they'll stumble upon the little FSB rover with a busted driveshaft, twisted up on a moon-rock flexing the SAS, and think, "Man... those things can go anywhere. Screw Jeep."
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post #229 of 229 (permalink) Old 05-21-2017, 11:42 PM
Harley's & Bronco's FTW!
 
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The Doctor said: "The good news is I can cure your headaches...The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was headache free for the first time in over 20 years, but he felt as if he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street he realized he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need, a new suit."

The elderly salesman eyed him quickly and said, "Let's see, you're a size 44 long."

Joe laughed and said, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!"

Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the tailor asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."

"Let's see, 16 and a half neck, 34 sleeve."

Joe was surprised. "How did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years." The shirt fit perfectly.

As Joe looked at himself in the mirror, the salesman said, "You could use new shoes."

Since Joe was on a roll, he said, "Sure."

The man eyed Joe's feet and said, "9-1/2E."

Joe was astonished. "That's right. How did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years." Joe tried on the shoes and they also fit perfectly.

As Joe walked comfortably around the shop, the salesman asked, "How about new underwear?"

Joe thought for a second and said, "Why not."

The man stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see, size 36."

Joe laughed. "Finally I've got you! I've worn size 32 since I was 18 years old."

The tailor shook his head. "You can't wear a size 32. Size 32 underwear would press your testicles against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."
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"When life throws you a curve... LEAN INTO IT!"

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