FSB Official Jokes thread - Page 2 - Ford Bronco Forum
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post #21 of 216 (permalink) Old 04-30-2016, 01:22 AM
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See? I told you it would be one of those threads!

_____________________________________________

[Silver70] In 100 years, when astronauts visit the landing site, they'll stumble upon the little FSB rover with a busted driveshaft, twisted up on a moon-rock flexing the SAS, and think, "Man... those things can go anywhere. Screw Jeep."
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post #22 of 216 (permalink) Old 04-30-2016, 01:30 AM
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Nick the Dragon Slayer was an official in King Arthur's court. He had a long-standing obsession to nuzzle the beautiful Queen's voluptuous breasts, but he knew the penalty for this would be death.

One day he revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, who was the King's chief doctor. Horatio the Physician exclaimed that he could arrange for Nick the Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to arrange it. Without hesitation, Nick the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.

Upon being summoned to the royal chambers to address this incident, Horatio the Physician informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer. Horatio the Physician then slipped Nick the Dragon Slayer the antidote for the itching powder, which he quickly put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts.

The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick the Dragon Slayer left satisfied and touted as a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Nick the Dragon Slayer found Horatio the Physician demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick the Dragon Slayer could not have cared less. Knowing that Horatio the Physician could never report this matter to the King, he shooed Horatio the Physician away with no payment made.

The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's loincloth. So the King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer....

Moral of the story: Always pay your bills.

-================================================== ============-

A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it. "Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me." She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams and so on it goes. The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette are you?" She says, "No, I'm really a blonde." "I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken."

"When life throws you a curve... LEAN INTO IT!"

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post #23 of 216 (permalink) Old 04-30-2016, 01:39 AM
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I love this one...

-================================================== ======-


A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas, and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "Okay, but don't go in that field over there.", as he pointed out the location.
The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!" Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this ****ing badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land!! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear? do you understand?!!"
The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores. A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull. With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.....

"Your badge, show him your ****ing BADGE!!"
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"When life throws you a curve... LEAN INTO IT!"

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post #24 of 216 (permalink) Old 04-30-2016, 10:42 AM
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There was a Mexican and a Czechoslovakian walking in a national forest. All of a sudden, a bear came and took the Czech and ate him. The Mexican ran back to find someone to help. He found a Forest Service man, and told him what happened. So he took a gun and went back into the forest. There were two bears together. "Now there are only two bears on this mountain." Said the Forest Service man. "One is a male, the other is a female. Which one ate your friend?" The Mexican said it was definately the male. so the man fired the gun and killed the male, while the other ran away. When they opened up the bear, its stomach was empty.

The moral of the story is that you never trust a Mexican when he says that the Check is in the Mail.
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The Jeep forums don't have the community this one does. Plus everyone I 4x4 with drive Broncos.....
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post #25 of 216 (permalink) Old 04-30-2016, 03:47 PM
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*ba domp boom chish*

_____________________________________________

[Silver70] In 100 years, when astronauts visit the landing site, they'll stumble upon the little FSB rover with a busted driveshaft, twisted up on a moon-rock flexing the SAS, and think, "Man... those things can go anywhere. Screw Jeep."
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post #26 of 216 (permalink) Old 05-02-2016, 02:50 AM
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While walking down the street one day a Corrupt Senator (that may be redundant) was tragically hit by a car and died.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to heaven," says St.. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the Senator.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from the higher ups. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really?, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the Senator.

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course.

In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They played a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and the finest champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who is having a good time dancing and telling jokes.

They are all having such a good time that before the Senator realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises.

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens in heaven where

St. Peter is waiting for him, "Now it's time to visit heaven...”

So, 24 hours passed with the Senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."

The Senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell...


Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls to the ground.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulders.

"I don't understand," stammers the Senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"

The devil smiles at him and says,
"Yesterday we were campaigning,

Today, you voted.."

"When life throws you a curve... LEAN INTO IT!"

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post #27 of 216 (permalink) Old 05-02-2016, 02:34 PM
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Along that vein:

An IRS lawyer and a priest have near-simultaneous heart attacks, and end up getting to the Pearly Gates at about the same time. Saint Peter steps from behind his podium, greets the lawyer, shaking his hand, and escorts him personally through the Pearly Gates, then returns a few minutes later to his podium. The priest is shocked and so dumbfounded he can't even make a noise. Saint Peter, without looking up, motions him to come to the podium; when he gets there, he finally stammers out, 'I-I-I have been a priest my entire adult life, taking the Sacraments and the cloth on my 22nd birthday, when I graduated from the seminary. I've served God from the mean streets of New York to the jungles of Guinea, from the African Savannah to the most storm-blasted island off the Coast of Japan. I have devoted my life to God, to the Word of God, and I had to wait while you gave that man five-star treatment! Why!?!
Saint Peter, thumbing through his book, glances sidelong at the priest, and says, "He was a lawyer for the IRS. He's scared the Hell out of more people than you."

_____________________________________________

[Silver70] In 100 years, when astronauts visit the landing site, they'll stumble upon the little FSB rover with a busted driveshaft, twisted up on a moon-rock flexing the SAS, and think, "Man... those things can go anywhere. Screw Jeep."
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post #28 of 216 (permalink) Old 05-02-2016, 02:42 PM
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And:

The Parish Priest is sitting at his desk thinking on what his next sermon will be about when his assistant dashes in and says, "You have to come see this! I think Jesus Christ himself has arrived in the Second Coming, and he's out at the altar right now!"
"Oh, really?" Says the older priest. "Probably someone who thinks he's Jesus Christ, but needs spiritual guidance and psychiatric help."
So they walk out into the main area, and see this figure FLOATING across the floor, wiping surfaces and looking under the pews for any trash. The two priests are looking at each other in shock and surprise when the younger priest asks, "What should we do?" The older priest replies "I don't know about you, but I'm going to look busy."
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_____________________________________________

[Silver70] In 100 years, when astronauts visit the landing site, they'll stumble upon the little FSB rover with a busted driveshaft, twisted up on a moon-rock flexing the SAS, and think, "Man... those things can go anywhere. Screw Jeep."
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post #29 of 216 (permalink) Old 05-02-2016, 06:39 PM
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This husband and wife have been married for many years and had 8 children. The husband proud of his swimmers would refer to his wife as Mother of 8. One day at a party the husband was ready to leave. He started calling out, "Mother of 8 its time to leave." Finally having enough the wife replies, "Coming Father of 4."
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post #30 of 216 (permalink) Old 05-03-2016, 02:32 AM
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Ohhh, burn!!!
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post #31 of 216 (permalink) Old 05-03-2016, 02:54 AM
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A doctor had sex with one of his female patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't.

The guilt and sense of betrayal of his patients was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said......

"Don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to have sex with one of his patients and you won't be the last... and you're single. Just let it go."

Invariably, another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering.......


"You're a veterinarian, you sick bastard."
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"When life throws you a curve... LEAN INTO IT!"

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post #32 of 216 (permalink) Old 05-03-2016, 02:53 PM
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Dude! Bad! Bad! No motorcyle for you!
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post #33 of 216 (permalink) Old 05-04-2016, 10:49 AM
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Common Sense lived a long life but died recently in the United
>States. No one really knows how old he was, since his birth records were
>long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.
>
>He selflessly devoted his life to service in schools, hospitals, homes,
>factories helping folks get jobs done without fanfare and foolishness.
>He generally cultivated such valued lessons as to know when to come in
>out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm, and that life isn't
>always fair.
>
>Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more
>than you earn), reliable parenting strategies (the adults are in charge,
>not the kids), and it's okay to come in second. A veteran of the
>Industrial Revolution, the Great Depression, and the Technological
>Revolution, Common Sense survived cultural and educational trends
>including body piercing, whole language, and "new math."
>
>His health declined when he became infected with the
>"If-it-only-helps-one-person-it's-worth-it" virus. In recent decades
>his waning strength proved no match for the ravages of well-intended,
>but overbearing regulations. He watched in pain as good people became
>ruled by self-seeking lawyers. His health rapidly deteriorated when
>schools endlessly implemented zero-tolerance policies. Reports of a
>six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate,
>a teen suspended for taking a swig of mouthwash after lunch, and a
>teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student only worsened his
>condition. It declined even further when schools had to get parental
>consent to administer aspirin to a student but could not inform the
>parent when a female student was pregnant or wanted an abortion.
>
>Common Sense lost his will to live as the Ten Commandments became
>contraband, churches became businesses, criminals received better
>treatment than victims, and federal judges stuck their noses in
>everything from the Boy Scouts to professional sports.
>
>Finally, when people, too stupid to realize that a steaming cup of
>coffee was hot enough to cause burns, sued the restaurant and were
>awarded a huge settlement, Common Sense threw in the towel. As the end
>neared, Common Sense drifted in and out of logic but was kept informed
>of developments regarding questionable regulations such as those for low
>flow toilets, rocking chairs, and stepladders.
>
>Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his
>wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason.
>He is survived by two stepbrothers: My Rights, and Ima Whiner. Not
>many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone
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post #34 of 216 (permalink) Old 05-04-2016, 11:20 AM
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This man is a dead man........
A Husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is
standing in front of a full length mirror taking a hard look
at herself.
"You know love" she says, "I look in the mirror and I see an
old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my boobs are barely above
my waist, my butt is sticking out a mile. I've got fat legs and
my arms are all flabby"
She turns to her husband and says..... "Tell me something
positive to make me feel better about myself"
He thinks about it for a bit and then says "Well......there's
nothing wrong with your eyesight."
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post #35 of 216 (permalink) Old 05-04-2016, 01:47 PM
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But I'm sure he died with a smile on his face!

_____________________________________________

[Silver70] In 100 years, when astronauts visit the landing site, they'll stumble upon the little FSB rover with a busted driveshaft, twisted up on a moon-rock flexing the SAS, and think, "Man... those things can go anywhere. Screw Jeep."
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post #36 of 216 (permalink) Old 05-04-2016, 03:13 PM
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The Story of My Life ..
When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.
When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I
decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.
Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the
time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with
stability.
When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was
totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life
became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some
excitement.
When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with
her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on
anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as
often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but
directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.
When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet
planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious
that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am now older and wiser, and now I am looking for a girl with
really big tits.
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post #37 of 216 (permalink) Old 05-04-2016, 03:27 PM
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Get to work Rusty

*Subject: Redneck Vasectomy*
After having their 11th child, a Redneck couple decided that was enough,
as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his
veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any
more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that
could fix the problem but that it was expensive. "A less costly
alternative,"said the doctor," is to go home, get a cherry bomb, light it,
put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10."
The Redneck said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest tool in the
shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my
ear is going to help me."
"Trust me," said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He
held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1" >"2" >"3" >"4" "5"
At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and
resumed counting on his other hand.
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post #38 of 216 (permalink) Old 05-06-2016, 10:52 AM
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This couple has been married for 20 years. Every time they had sex through their entire marriage the man always insisted that the lights stay off. The wife had finally had it. She was going to have the lights on. While they were in the middle of sex she turned on the lights. Once the lights where on she saw that he was using a toy on her. "Explain the toy" she asked him. To which he replied "Explain the kids".
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post #39 of 216 (permalink) Old 05-06-2016, 10:54 AM
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> A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed
> for weeks, but nothing happened. Then he decided to
> write God a letter requesting the $100.00. When the
> postal authorities received the letter to God, USA,
> they decided to send it to the President... The
> president
> was so amused that he instructed his secretary to
> send
> the little boy a $5.00 bill. The president thought
> this would appear to be a lot of money to a little
> boy.
>
> The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and
>
> sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which
> read:
> Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the
> money. However, I noticed that for some reason you
> sent it through Washington, DC..., and those
> assholes
> deducted $95.00 in taxes
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post #40 of 216 (permalink) Old 05-06-2016, 11:00 AM
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Concerned about her relationship, a woman approaches
her doctor and says "Doc, I'm getting married this weekend
and my fiancée thinks I'm a virgin, is there anything you can
do to help me?"

The doctor says, "Medically, no, but here's something
you can try... On the wedding night, when you're getting
ready for bed, take an elastic band and slide it up your
upper thigh. When your husband enters you for the first
time, snap the elastic band and tell him it's your virginity
snapping."

The woman loves this idea, and knows her hubby-to-be
will fall for it.

They have a beautiful wedding and retire to the honeymoon
suite. The wife gets ready for bed in the bathroom, slips the
elastic band up her leg, finishes preparing and climbs into
bed with her man.

Things begin to progress, her hubby "slips it in", she snaps
the elastic band, and the hubby screams...

"What the heck was that!!?"

The wife explains, "Oh nothing honey, that was just my
virginity snapping".

The husband cries out, "Well snap it again, it's got my balls!!"
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