FSB Official Jokes thread - Page 4 - Ford Bronco Forum
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post #61 of 229 (permalink) Old 05-19-2016, 09:16 AM
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To Kill an American
You probably missed it in the rush of news last week, but there was actually a report that someone in Pakistan had published in a newspaper an offer of a reward to anyone who killed an American, any American.

So an Australian dentist wrote the following to let everyone know what an American is...so they would know when they found one. (Good on ya, mate!!!!)

An American is English, or French, or Italian, Irish, German, Spanish, Polish, Russian or Greek.

An American may also be Canadian, Mexican, African, Indian, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, Australian, Iranian, Asian, or Arab, or Pakistani, or Afghan.

An American may also be a Cherokee, Osage, Blackfoot, Navaho, Apache, Seminole or one of the many other tribes known as native Americans.

An American is Christian, or he could be Jewish, or Buddhist, or Muslim.

In fact, there are more Muslims in America than in Afghanistan. The only difference is that in America they are free to worship as each of them chooses.

An American is also free to believe in no religion. For that he will answer only to God, not to the government, or to armed thugs claiming to speak for the government and for God.

An American lives in the most prosperous land in the history of the world.

The root of that prosperity can be found in the Declaration of Independence, which recognizes the God given right of each person to the pursuit of happiness.

An American is generous. Americans have helped out just about every other nation in the world in their time of need.

When the Soviet army overran Afghanistan 20 years ago, Americans came with arms and supplies to enable the people to win back their country!
As of the morning of September 11, Americans had given more than any other nation to the poor in Afghanistan.

Americans welcome the best, the best products, the best books, the best music, the best food, the best athletes. But they also welcome the least.

The national symbol of America, The Statue of Liberty, welcomes your tired and your poor, the wretched refuse of your teeming shores, the homeless, tempest tossed. These in fact are the people who built America.

Some of them were working in the Twin Towers the morning of September 11, 2001 earning a better life for their families. I've been told that the World Trade Center victims were from at least 30 other countries, cultures, and first languages, including those that aided and abetted the terrorists.

So you can try to kill an American if you must.

Hitler did.

So did General Tojo, and Stalin, and Mao Tse-Tung, and every bloodthirsty tyrant in the history of the world.

But, in doing so you would just be killing yourself. Because Americans are not a particular people from a particular place. They are the embodiment of the human spirit of freedom. Everyone who holds to that spirit, everywhere, is an American.

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post #62 of 229 (permalink) Old 05-19-2016, 11:26 AM
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a daughter goes up to her dad and ask to borrow 50 dollars. he says give me a blowjob. she does,afterwards she says that taste like shit. he said yea your brother had to borrow the car.
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post #63 of 229 (permalink) Old 05-19-2016, 11:35 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by loki1981 View Post
a daughter goes up to her dad and ask to borrow 50 dollars. he says give me a blowjob. she does,afterwards she says that taste like shit. he said yea your brother had to borrow the car.
Everywhere in the country this would have been told as a redneck joke, everywhere except MO.
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post #64 of 229 (permalink) Old 05-20-2016, 09:19 AM
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Soldiers are always taught to:

1) Keep your priorities in order and, 2) Know when to act without hesitation.

A soldier was attending some college courses between assignments. He had just completed missions in Iraq and Afghanistan.

One of the courses had a professor who was an avowed atheist and a member of the ACLU. One day he shocked the class when he came in, looked to the ceiling, and flatly stated, "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes." The lecture room fell silent.

You could hear a pin drop. Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, "Here I am God. I'm still waiting."

It got down to the last couple of minutes when the soldier got out of His chair, went up to the professor, and cold-cocked him; knocking him off the platform.

The professor was out cold. The soldier went back to his seat and sat there, silently.

The other students were shocked and stunned and sat there looking on in silence.

The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the soldier and asked, "What the hell is the matter with you? Why did you do that?"

The GI calmly replied, "God was too busy today protecting America's soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid shit and act like an asshole.
So He sent me."
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post #65 of 229 (permalink) Old 05-20-2016, 09:20 AM
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"Men Are Just Happier People"

What do you expect from such simple creatures?


Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can be President.

You can never be pregnant.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal. You never have
to drive to another gas station restroom
because this one is just too icky.

You don't have to stop and think of which
way to turn a nut on a bolt.

Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental $100.

People never stare at your chest when
you're talking to them.

The occasional well-rendered belch
is practically expected.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle
your feet.

One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds
flat.

You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one
suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest
act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you, he/she
can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You almost never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

Everything on your face stays its original color.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe
decades.

You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.

Your belly usually hides your big hips.

One wallet and one pair of shoes-one
color for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how
your legs look.

You can "do" your nails with a pocket
knife.

You have freedom of choice concerning
growing a mustache...

You can do Christmas shopping for 25
relatives On December 24 in 25 minutes.
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post #66 of 229 (permalink) Old 05-20-2016, 12:58 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RAMPNT1 View Post
Everywhere in the country this would have been told as a redneck joke, everywhere except MO.
well we are just north of arkansas
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post #67 of 229 (permalink) Old 05-20-2016, 02:16 PM
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I will never hear the church bells ringing again without smiling, said the lady.
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather has just passed away, she went straight to her grandparents’ house to visit with her 96-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, “he had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning”.
Horrified, the lady told her grandmother that 2 people, nearly 100-years-old, having sex would surely be asking for trouble. “Oh no, my dear” replied Granny. “Many years ago realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow, with an even tempo. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the ding and out on the dong”.
She paused to wipe away a tear and continued, “he’d still be alive today, if that stupid ice cream truck hadn’t come along!”
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post #68 of 229 (permalink) Old 05-20-2016, 02:46 PM
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World's shortest joke:

2 women were sitting quietly

"When life throws you a curve... LEAN INTO IT!"

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post #69 of 229 (permalink) Old 05-20-2016, 04:47 PM
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World's cleanest dirty joke:

A boy tripped and fell into a mud puddle.

_____________________________________________

[Silver70] In 100 years, when astronauts visit the landing site, they'll stumble upon the little FSB rover with a busted driveshaft, twisted up on a moon-rock flexing the SAS, and think, "Man... those things can go anywhere. Screw Jeep."
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post #70 of 229 (permalink) Old 05-20-2016, 06:57 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BikerPepe` View Post
World's shortest joke:

2 women were sitting quietly
They were obviously a significant distance apart and there was no cellular coverage.

I woke up with a headache, hot flashes, a little nausea, and the chills - I knew I wasn't doing anything today

Thankfully that only lasted the 1st 1/2 hour - I'm good now - but the decision was already made
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post #71 of 229 (permalink) Old 05-20-2016, 09:18 PM
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2 Women in Heaven
1st woman: Hi! My name is Sherry.
2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?
1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!
1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, & finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st woman: So, what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic & searched, & down into the basement. Then I went through every closet & checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, & finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack & died.
1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive

The Jeep forums don't have the community this one does. Plus everyone I 4x4 with drive Broncos.....
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post #72 of 229 (permalink) Old 05-20-2016, 09:27 PM
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Woman 1: "I had sex last night, did you?"
Woman 2: "Yes."
Woman 1: "Was it good?"
Woman 2: "No, it was a disaster... my husband came home, ate his dinner in three minutes, got on top of me, finished having sex in five minutes, rolled over and fell asleep in two minutes. How was yours?"
Woman 1: "Oh it was amazing! My husband came home and took me out to a romantic dinner. After dinner we walked for an hour. When we came home he lit the candles around the house and we had an hour of foreplay. We then had an hour long session of fantastic sex and afterwards talked for an hour. It was like a fairytale!"

At the same time, their husbands are talking at work.
Husband 1: "You wanted sex last night, how was it?"
Husband 2: "Great. I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate, had sex with my wife and fell asleep. It was great! What about you?"
Husband 1: "It was horrible. I came home, there's no dinner because they cut the electricity because I hadn't paid the bill; so I had to take my wife out to dinner which was so expensive that I didn't have money left for a cab. We had to walk home which took an hour - and when we got home I remembered there was no electricity so I had to light candles all over the house! I was so angry that I couldn't get it up for an hour and then I couldn't climax for another hour. After I finally did, I was so aggravated that I couldn't fall asleep and my wife was jabbering away for another hour!"

The Jeep forums don't have the community this one does. Plus everyone I 4x4 with drive Broncos.....
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post #73 of 229 (permalink) Old 05-21-2016, 01:18 AM
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blonde goes to a gas station and fills her car up. after she gets done she realizes she locked the keys in the car. so while paying she asks attendent for a hangar or something to unlock it with. she gets the hangar and goes outside. well after an hour the attendent goes out to see if he can help. when he gets to the car he sees first blonde using the hangar and the second blonde in the car telling her right no no lil more left now down a bit.
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post #74 of 229 (permalink) Old 05-21-2016, 07:36 AM
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Picture joke but still accurate


I woke up with a headache, hot flashes, a little nausea, and the chills - I knew I wasn't doing anything today

Thankfully that only lasted the 1st 1/2 hour - I'm good now - but the decision was already made
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post #75 of 229 (permalink) Old 05-21-2016, 09:26 AM
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What's the difference between BMWs and Porcupines?
Porcupines carry their pricks on the outside.

Guy walks into a parts store. Says "I need a gas cap for a Kia."
The Owner says, "Ok, sounds like a fair trade."

I was having lunch with my Dad and his boyfriend (I'm from California..... its kinda common).
His boyfriend mentions that he would love to own a Fiat.
My Dad looks at him and says, "No. We are gay. Not faggots."
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The Jeep forums don't have the community this one does. Plus everyone I 4x4 with drive Broncos.....
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post #76 of 229 (permalink) Old 05-21-2016, 11:58 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by WolfofDarkstar View Post
Guy walks into a parts store. Says "I need a gas cap for a Kia."
The Owner says, "Ok, sounds like a fair trade."
So that's what happened to Unfer's Kia....
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_____________________________________________

[Silver70] In 100 years, when astronauts visit the landing site, they'll stumble upon the little FSB rover with a busted driveshaft, twisted up on a moon-rock flexing the SAS, and think, "Man... those things can go anywhere. Screw Jeep."
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post #77 of 229 (permalink) Old 05-23-2016, 12:54 AM
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child spits out food

mom says hey! we dont spit. if its in your mouth swallow.

dad raises eyebrows and smiles

mom shut the hell up
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post #78 of 229 (permalink) Old 05-23-2016, 10:00 AM
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Subject: FW: colonoscopy


?
?

?

Colonoscopy

?


All the organs of the body were having a meeting,
?trying to decide who was the one in charge.





"I should be in charge," said the brain ,
"Because I run all the body's systems,
?so without me nothing would happen."


?

"I should be in charge," said the blood ,
"Because I circulate oxygen all over
so without me you'd all waste away."


"I should be in charge," said the stomach,"
?Because I process food and give
all of you energy."


"I should be in charge," said the legs,
"because I carry the body wherever
?it needs to go."


?

"I should be in charge," said the eyes,
"Because I allow the body to see
?where it goes."


"I should be in charge," said the! rectum??
?"Because I'm responsible for
waste removal."

?


All the other body parts laughed at the rectum
?And insulted him, so in a huff,
he shut down tight.
?

Within a few days,
the brain had a terrible headache,

the stomach was bloated,
?the legs got wobbly,
the eyes got watery,
?and the blood Was toxic.
They all decided that the
rectum should be the boss.

The Moral of the story?


The asshole is usually in charge !!






If you don't send this to at least 1person

no one will give a poop






?
________________________________________
.
?
?
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post #79 of 229 (permalink) Old 05-23-2016, 10:02 AM
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Ole vas vorking at the fish plant up nort in Dulut Minnesota vhen he accidentally cut off all ten of his finkers.

He vent to da emergency room in the Clinik and vhen he got dar da Norsky doctor looked at Ole and said, "Let's have da finkers and I'll see vhat I can do."

Ole said, "I haven't got da finkers."
"Vhat do you mean, you haffn't got da finkers?" he said. "Lord---it's 2007 and I got da microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could haff put dem back on and made you like new! Vhy didn't you brink da finkers?"
Ole says........"How da fock vas I suppose to pick dem up?
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post #80 of 229 (permalink) Old 05-23-2016, 10:15 AM
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The Engineer and the Frog

An engineer crosses a road when a frog calls out to him, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
He bends over, picks up the frog and puts it in his pocket. The frog speaks up again and says, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."
The engineer takes the frog out of his pocket, smiles at it and returns it to the pocket.
The frog then cries out, "If you kiss me and turn me back, I'll do whatever you say!"
Again the engineer takes the frog out, smiles at it and puts it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asks, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, I'll stay with you for a month and do whatever you say. What more do you want?"
The engineer says, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool!"
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The Jeep forums don't have the community this one does. Plus everyone I 4x4 with drive Broncos.....
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