FSB Official Jokes thread - Page 5 - Ford Bronco Forum
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post #81 of 229 (permalink) Old 05-23-2016, 10:31 AM
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The Way It Goes

-- The spouse who snores the loudest always falls asleep first.
-- The product you are most embarrassed to buy must be price-checked over the intercom.
-- The heavier the load and the farther you must carry it, the more your nose itches.
--The original will be found when a replacement is bought.
-- When you have a deadline, the printer always runs out of toner.
-- When you have to get up early, a power surge knocks out the alarm clock in the night.
-- Technical instructions are in three languages: Spanish, French and Geek.
-- On the verge of completing a major spreadsheet, you will mysteriously perform an "illegal operation" and erase your work.

The Jeep forums don't have the community this one does. Plus everyone I 4x4 with drive Broncos.....
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post #82 of 229 (permalink) Old 05-23-2016, 11:21 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Rusty in Wis View Post
Ole vas vorking at the fish plant up nort in Dulut Minnesota vhen he accidentally cut off all ten of his finkers.

He vent to da emergency room in the Clinik and vhen he got dar da Norsky doctor looked at Ole and said, "Let's have da finkers and I'll see vhat I can do."

Ole said, "I haven't got da finkers."
"Vhat do you mean, you haffn't got da finkers?" he said. "Lord---it's 2007 and I got da microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could haff put dem back on and made you like new! Vhy didn't you brink da finkers?"
Ole says........"How da fock vas I suppose to pick dem up?
Ol' Torvald was taking the Grey Dog from Seattle so he could visit his Brother Ole in Duluth, Minnesota; at the Great Falls, Montana station he gets off his bus for his connection but sees seven other buses. So he walks over to the closest one,taps the driver on the shoulder, and says, " Doz-a dis-a bus go too-Dulut?" And the driver says "No, Sir, it goes 'beep beep' just like all the others."
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_____________________________________________

[Silver70] In 100 years, when astronauts visit the landing site, they'll stumble upon the little FSB rover with a busted driveshaft, twisted up on a moon-rock flexing the SAS, and think, "Man... those things can go anywhere. Screw Jeep."
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post #83 of 229 (permalink) Old 05-24-2016, 08:50 AM
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My ex-wife started taking flying lessons about the time our divorce
> started
> and she got her license shortly before our divorce was final, later that
> same year.
>
>
>
> Yesterday afternoon, she narrowly escaped injury in the aircraft she was
> piloting when she was forced to make an emergency landing in Southern
> Wisconsin because of bad weather. Thank God our kids were with me at the
> House this weekend.
>
>
>
> The NTSB issued a preliminary report, citing pilot error: Susan was flying
> a single engine aircraft in IFR (instrument flight rating) conditions
> while
> only having obtained a VFR (visual flight rating) rating.
>
>
>
> The absence of a post-crash fire was likely due to insufficient fuel on
> board. No one on the ground was injured.
>
>
> Photographs below were taken at the scene show the extent of damage to her
> aircraft.
>
>
>
> She was very lucky.
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post #84 of 229 (permalink) Old 05-24-2016, 08:51 AM
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What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.

Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball

Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick!

Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it!

Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.

Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.

Q. What is the difference between "ooooooh"and "aaaaaaah"?
A. About three inches.

Q. Why do Gay men wear ribbed condoms?
A. For traction in the mud.

Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
A. The grip.

Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.
Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 pounds.

Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.

Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A. The swallow.

Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.

Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A They don't have balls to scratch!
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post #85 of 229 (permalink) Old 05-24-2016, 08:55 AM
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John woke up one morning immensely aroused so he turned over to his wife's side of the bed. His wife, Amber, had already awakened though, and she was downstairs preparing breakfast in the kitchen. Afraid that he might spoil things by getting up, John called his little boy into the room and asked him to take this note to your beautiful mommy.

The note read:

The Tent Pole Is Up,
The Canvas Is Spread,
The Hell With Breakfast,
Come Back To Bed.

Amber, grinning, answered the note and then asked her son to take this to your silly daddy.

Her note read:

Take The Tent Pole Down,
Put The Canvas Away,
The Monkey Had A Hemorrhage,
No Circus Today.

John read the note and quickly scribbled a reply. Then, he asked his son to take it back to the lady in the kitchen.

His note read:

The Tent Pole's Still Up,
And The Canvas Still Spread,
So Drop What You're Doing,
And Come Give Me Some Head.

Laughing, Amber answered the note and then asked her son to take this to the poor dude upstairs.

Her note read:

I'm Sure That Your Pole's
The Best In The Land.
But I'm Busy Right Now,
So Do It By Hand
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post #86 of 229 (permalink) Old 05-25-2016, 10:46 AM
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How to write a tactful letter

This was written to the head of the NAACP in Atlanta on the
Michael Vick affair. I love it when a white guy can gently yet
logically put things into perspective.


Saturday, August 18, 2007
An Open Letter to the Atlanta Chapter of the NAACP

Dear Dr. R L White, Head of the Atlanta Chapter of the NAACP,

My name is Mike. I am 27, and I am neither a member of your
organization nor a resident of Atlanta. Normally I wouldn't bother you,
but then I came across this article , and it compelled me to write.

Since I am white, I am going to tread carefully, so as not to
offend your gentle sensibilities. But, Dr. White, you are a dumb ****.

Speaking for white people everywhere, let me fill you in on
something. This case was not a race issue. It was about killing dogs.
And if there is one thing people don't stand for, regardless of race,
it's killing dogs. You compared it to deer hunting. Again, Dr. White,
you are a dumb ****. When was the last time a deer greeted you at the
door when you got home from work? Or curled up next to you and gently
nuzzled in to take a nap? Dogs are pets, you moron. They aren't meant to
be killed for sport. The failure to make this distinction only makes you
look stupider.

Sorry, I lost my temper there.

Here's the thing, Dr. White. The reason people were outraged by
this was because he killed dogs. If Ben Roethlisberger or Brett Favre
had done it, the reaction would ha ve been the same, I guarantee you. The
difference is, had Ben Roethlisberger or Brett Favre done this, you
wouldn't see white supporters rallying behind them, proclaiming he was
innocent in the face of mountains of damning evidence, supporting him
regardless of the outcome. Let me let you in on a secret about white
people; when one of our own makes us look bad, we condemn him and disown
them. I suggest you adopt a similar policy. If your group's mission is
truly to advance "colored" people (your word, not mine) you'd
disassociate from the idiots in your race. It can't go wrong, trust me.

Anyway, Dr. White, I don't want this to come off as racist,
because it isn't. Michael Vick is a despicable person who happens to be
black. The sooner you realize that, the less of a dumb **** you'll look
like.

Sincerely,

Mike
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post #87 of 229 (permalink) Old 05-25-2016, 10:51 AM
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Men's answer to Maxine

I knew it was going to happen, but just didn't know when.

Here it is! Men's answer to Maxine.

MAX



Men strike back!

How many men does it take to open a beer?

None. It should be opened when she brings it.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?

Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Why do women have smaller feet than men?

It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows

Them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?

When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me..'

----------------------------------- --------------------------------

How do you fix a woman's watch?

You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Why do men pass gas more than women?

Because women can't shut up long enough to

Build up the required pressure.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?

The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

-------------------- -----------------------------------------------

I married a Miss Right.

I just didn't know her first name was Always.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.

It's called a Wedding Cake.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Why do men die before their wives?

They want to.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Women will never be equal to men

Until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.

Then God created Man and rested.

Then God created Woman.

Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Send this to a few good men who need a laugh and to the select few women who can handle the truth!



AND MAXINE SAYS.....



Have a great day...
~~~~~

________________________________________
Start the year off right. Easy ways to stay in shape in the new year.
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post #88 of 229 (permalink) Old 05-25-2016, 10:58 AM
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A hillbilly farmer who wanted to get a divorce paid a visit to a lawyer. The lawyer said, "How can I help you?" The farmer said, "I want to get one of them dayvorces."
The lawyer said, "Do you have any grounds?" The farmer said, "Yes, I got 40 acres" The lawyer said, "No, No, you don't understand, Do you have a suit? The farmer said, "Yes, I got a suit, I wears it to church on Sundays." The lawyer said, "No, no, I mean, do you have a case?" The farmer said, "No, I ain't got a Case, but I got a John Deere. The lawyer said, "No, I mean, do you have a grudge?"
The farmer said,"Yes, I got a grudge, that's where I parks the John Deere" The lawyer said, "Does your wife beat you up or something?" The farmer said, "No, we both get up at 4:30."
By now the lawyer is getting frustrated but tries one last question .The lawyer said, "Is your wife a nagger?" The farmer said, "No, she's a little white gal, but our last child was a nagger and that's why I wants a dayvorce."
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post #89 of 229 (permalink) Old 05-26-2016, 10:10 AM
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The IRS decides to audit Ralph, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor is not surprised when Ralph shows up with his attorney.
The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."
"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Ralph. "How about a demonstration?"
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."
Ralph says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."
The auditor thinks a moment and says, "It's a bet."
Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it.
The auditor's jaw drops.
Ralph says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."
Now the auditor can tell Ralph isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Ralph's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
"Want to go double or nothing?" Ralph asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Ralph's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.
"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Ralph told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it.
==============================================
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post #90 of 229 (permalink) Old 05-26-2016, 10:16 AM
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>>> Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really
>>> cute, really hot girl in his office.... But she was
>>> dating someone else.
>>> One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her
>>> and said, 'I'll give you $100 if you let me have sex
>>> with you.'
>>>
>>> The girl looked at him and then said, 'No.'
>>>
>>> Eddie said, 'I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money
>>> on the floor, you bend down, and I'll finish by the
>>> time you've picked it up.'
>>>
>>> She thought for a moment and said that she would
>>> consult with her boyfriend; she called him and
>>> explained the situation.
>>>
>>> Her boyfriend says, 'Ask him for $200, and pick up
>>> the money really fast. He won't even be able to get
>>> his pants down.'
>>>
>>> She agreed and accepts the proposal.
>>>
>>> Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is
>>> waiting for his girlfriend's call.
>>>
>>> Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and
>>> asks, 'What happened?'
>>>
>>> Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, 'The
>>> bastard had all quarters!'
>>>
>>> Management lesson:
>>>
>>> Always consider a business proposition in its
>>> entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed
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post #91 of 229 (permalink) Old 05-27-2016, 09:07 AM
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marriage counselor



A man and woman were having marital problems so they went to see a marriage counselor.

The counselor, in an attempt to find some common ground from which to begin his analysis said, "Tell me about anything the two of you have in common.
The husband spoke up and said, "Well, neither one of us sucks dick
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post #92 of 229 (permalink) Old 05-27-2016, 09:07 AM
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Subject: Divorced Barbie
> >
> > One day a father gets out of work and on his way home, he suddenly
> > remembers that it's his daughters birthday. He pulls over to a Toy Store
> > and asks the sales person, 'How much for one of those Barbie's in the
> > display window?'
> >
> > The sales person answers, 'which one do you mean, Sir?'
> >
> > We have: Work Out Barbie $19.95, Shopping Barbie $19.95, Beach Barbie
> > $19.95, Disco Barbie $19.95, Ballerina Barbie $19.95, Astronaut Barbie
> > $19.95, Skater Barbie $19.95 and Divorced Barbie $265.95.'
> >
> > The amazed father asked 'It's what?' 'Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95
> > and th e others are only $19.9 5?'
> >
> > The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers.
> >
> > 'Sir, Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's friends, and a key chain made with Ken's balls.
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post #93 of 229 (permalink) Old 05-27-2016, 10:43 AM
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Iím up to 2008 in my Joke file. There is a definite pattern on the ones I saved during my Divorce.
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post #94 of 229 (permalink) Old 05-27-2016, 07:42 PM
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Originally Posted by Rusty in Wis View Post
Iím up to 2008 in my Joke file. There is a definite pattern on the ones I saved during my Divorce.
I was wondering....

_____________________________________________

[Silver70] In 100 years, when astronauts visit the landing site, they'll stumble upon the little FSB rover with a busted driveshaft, twisted up on a moon-rock flexing the SAS, and think, "Man... those things can go anywhere. Screw Jeep."
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post #95 of 229 (permalink) Old 05-28-2016, 01:52 AM
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standing topside watch on a submarine, the Petty officer watches a man walk down the gang plank and as he starts to move the warning sign for use of deadly force the PO stops him. WHO do you think you are to come on MY sub?
the man replys, I am from the goverment, I can go where I want to. the PO explains that he is from the goverment too and says he caint. the man explains I am from the EPA and I can go where I want to, and I want to inspect the engine room and starts to step onboard the Sub. the PO explains he is from the goverment, and pulls his pistol and tells the man to back off his Sub. then the PO announces over the shipwide PA he needs permission for the EPA to come inspect the engine room. 4 hours later he is allowed onboard.
Moral: dont give all the details... I still laugh at pulling the gun on that dude.

Fert

Fert
WBN...Spring City Tn
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post #96 of 229 (permalink) Old 05-28-2016, 07:47 PM
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A college math professor and his wife are both 60 years old. One evening the wife comes home and finds a note from her husband that says, "My dear, now that you are 60 years old, there are some things you no longer do for me. I am at the Holiday Inn with my 20-year-old student. Don't bother waiting up for me."

He returns home late that night to find a note from his wife: "You, my dear, are also 60 years old and there are also things I need that you're not giving me. So I am at the Motel 6 with one of your 20-year-old students. Being a math professor, I'm sure you know that 20 goes into 60 way more than 60 goes into 20. So, don't you wait up for me."

The Jeep forums don't have the community this one does. Plus everyone I 4x4 with drive Broncos.....
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post #97 of 229 (permalink) Old 05-31-2016, 09:46 AM
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A Japanese company ( Toyota ) and an American company (Ford Motors) decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race.

On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile.

The Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat. A management team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action.

Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team had 7 people steering and 2 people rowing.

Feeling a deeper study was in order; American management hired a consulting company and paid them a large amount of money for a second opinion.

They advised, of course, that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing.

Not sure of how to utilize that information, but wanting to prevent another loss to the Japanese, the rowing team's management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 2 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager.

They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 2 people rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the 'Rowing Team Quality First Program,' with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rowers. There was discussion of getting new paddles, canoes and other equipment, extra vacation days for practices and bonuses. The pension program was trimmed to 'equal the competition' and some of the resultant savings were channeled into morale boosting programs and teamwork posters.

The next year the Japanese won by two miles.

Humiliated, the American management laid-off one rower, halted development of a new canoe, sold all the paddles, and canceled all capital investments for new equipment. The money saved was distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses.

The next year, try as he might, the lone designated rower was unable to even finish the race (having no paddles,) so he was laid off for unacceptable performance, all canoe equipment was sold and the next year's racing team was out-sourced to India.

Sadly, the End.

Here's something else to think about: Ford has spent the last thirty years moving all its factories out of the US , claiming they can't make money paying American wages.

TOYOTA has spent the last thirty years building more than a dozen plants inside the US The last quarter's results:
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post #98 of 229 (permalink) Old 05-31-2016, 09:47 AM
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A Horse, A Chicken & A Harley




On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together.

One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.

Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!

Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.

Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley.

Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.

Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.

After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!

Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.

The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals.

A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!

The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.

Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thing and he would then lift him out of the pit.

The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.

The moral of the story? (yep, you betcha, there IS a moral!)

'When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks'!
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post #99 of 229 (permalink) Old 05-31-2016, 01:14 PM
Harley's & Bronco's FTW!
 
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Bronco Info: '95 XLT, 5.8/E4OD/MassAir/6" lift/4.56's/35x12.5 BFG AT-KO2
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it's true... but it doesn't hurt!

"When life throws you a curve... LEAN INTO IT!"

SuperMotors - Since 2002
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post #100 of 229 (permalink) Old 06-01-2016, 03:16 AM
House of Windsor 4ever!
 
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Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Everett, WA
Posts: 9,596
Bronco Info: 79 Ranchero GT/97 Eddie Bauer Exploder 5.0 AWD
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Not even when a mud-covered chickie's desperately pulling as if their life depended on it?

_____________________________________________

[Silver70] In 100 years, when astronauts visit the landing site, they'll stumble upon the little FSB rover with a busted driveshaft, twisted up on a moon-rock flexing the SAS, and think, "Man... those things can go anywhere. Screw Jeep."
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