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President, Mels fan club.
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6,903 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
1. If you are choking on an ice cube simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself.

2. Avoid cutting yourself slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold while you chop.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. About lifting the toilet seat by using the shower.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

7. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

8. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

Daily Thought:
SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKYS. NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS. :thumbup
 

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IM FAT, YOUR UGLY!
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3,783 Posts
Dude! I always piss in the shower, its soo much easier..
 

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5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.
Those are friggin awesome.
 

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Man with a Golden ticket
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4,003 Posts
She-Wreck! you made a funny and you didn't even photoshop somebody. :thumbup
You're growing up! :goodfinge
 

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672 Posts
:rofl::histerica
 

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Designated Tranny Killer
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6,958 Posts
nice
 

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if you are not married and still dating.. here are some guidelines for you... so you're not left out!

1. when she asks how she looks, shrug and say "could be better". this
will keep her on her toes...and girls love that.

2. never hold her hand. this can be interpreted as a sign of weakness.
(or if she grabs your hand squeeze hers really really hard until she
cries. this will impress her by showing her what a strong man you
are.)

3. once a month sneak up on her from behind and knock her over. girls
are like dogs. they love to be roughed up.

4. call her in the middle of the night to ask if she's sleeping. if
she is, say "you better be". repeat this 4 or 5 times until morning.
this will show her you care.

5. when she is upset about something, suggest to her that it might be
her fault. this will pave the way for her own personal improvement,
and every girl needs some improvement.

6. recognize the small things . . . they usually mean the most. then
when she's sleeping, steal all her small things and break them.
because jewelry is for wusses and asian ladies.

7. if you're talking to another girl, make sure she's looking. When
she is, stare into her eyes mouth the words @$%* you and grab the
other girl's [hiney]. Girls love competition.

8. tell her you're taking her out to dinner. drive for miles so she
thinks it's going to be really special. then take her to a burning
tire yard. when she starts to get upset tell her you were just kidding
and now you're really going to take her to dinner. then drive her
home. when she starts crying and asks why you would do something like
that lean over and whisper very quietly into her ear "...because i
can."

9. introduce her to your friends as "some chick". women love those
special nicknames.

10. play with her hair. play with it HARD.

11. warm her up when she's cold...and not by giving her your jacket...
then you might get cold. rather, look her in the eye and say "if you
don't stop whining about the cold right now you're going to be whining
about a black eye." the best way to get warm is with fear.

12. Take her to a party. When you get there she'll have to go to the
bathroom (they always do). Leave immediately. Come back right when the
party's dying and yell at her the whole way home for ditching you at
the party.

13. make her laugh. a good way to do this is if she has a small pet.
kick the pet. i always find stuff like that funny. why shouldn't
girls?

14. let her fall asleep in your arms. when she's fast asleep, wait 10
minutes then JUMP UP AND SCREAM IN HER EAR! repeat until she goes home
and you can use your arms for more important things. like basketball.

15. Spit often. I hear girls like guys that spit.

16. if you care about her never ever tell her. this will only give her
self confidence. then you can never turn her into the object she deep
down desires to be.

17. Every time youre in her house steal one of the following: shoes,
earrings, or anything else that comes in pairs. Only take one of the
pair. This way shell go crazy.

18. Take her out to dinner. Right when she's about to order interrupt
and say no shes not hungry. make her watch you eat. Girls love a guy
that speaks for her.

19. look her in the eyes and smile. then clock her one. girls love a
spontaneous guy.

20. give her one of your t-shirts......and make sure it has your smell
on it. but not a sexy cologne smell. a bad smell. you know what i'm
talking about.

21. When its raining keep asking her if she's crying. She'll say "no
it's just the rain". ten minutes later turn to her and just scream at
her to "stop crying you baby". Girls like a tough man as i've already
stated.

22. Titty twisters and plenty of them.

23. if you're listening to music, and she asks to hear it, tell her
no. this way she'll think you're mysterious.

24. remember her birthday but don't get her something. Teach her
material objects aren't important. The only thing thats important is
that she keeps you happy. And your happiness is the greatest present
she can ever get.

25. when she gives you a present on your birthday, christmas, or just
when ever, take it and tell her you love it. then next time you know
she's coming over on a trash day leave the trash can open and have the
present visibly sticking out of the can. girls actually don't like
this one that much but i think it's funny.

26. If shes mad at you for not calling her when you say you will
promise her that you will call her at a certain time of the day. This
will make sure that she waits by the phone. Tell her when you call
you're going to tell her a special surprise. Now shell be really
excited. Now dont call.
 

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Designated Tranny Killer
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6,958 Posts
6. recognize the small things . . . they usually mean the most. then
when she's sleeping, steal all her small things and break them.
because jewelry is for wusses and asian ladies.
:histerica:histerica:histerica:histerica:toothless :rofl: :rofl:
 

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Satyr of the Midwest
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17,734 Posts
16. if you care about her never ever tell her. this will only give her
self confidence. then you can never turn her into the object she deep
down desires to be.
Word. :beer
 

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12. Take her to a party. When you get there she'll have to go to the
bathroom (they always do). Leave immediately. Come back right when the
party's dying and yell at her the whole way home for ditching you at
the party.
I never thought of that!:histerica
 
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