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RESIDENT ASSHOLE
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10,765 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
I have hung on to this for some time.I can finally start relating to this . She came home and said there was a boy she liked in her class....:banghead

For those of you with daughters :

Ten Simple Rules for Dating My Daughter

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a
package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so
long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep
your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to
wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their
hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends
are
complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this
issue, so I propose his compromise: You may come to the door with your
underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not
object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact,
come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my
electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your
waist.

Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a
"barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it
comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other,
we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please
do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication
of
when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the
only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to
date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my
daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will
continue
to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her
cry,
I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear,
and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to
be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is
putting
on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden
Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something
useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter:
Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden
stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within
eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is
dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient
temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank
tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and
a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong
romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features
chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are
better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged,
dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the
all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are
going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the
whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and
five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the
sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice
paddy
near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my
head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my
daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit
your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password,
announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home
safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to
come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
 

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this is why i never want a daughter...i dont want to deal with when she starts dating
 

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1,470 Posts
All sound like good rules to me (dad of two girls). For some reason women think that it's cute for a 5-7 year old to have a "boyfriend". This is where my wife and I disagree greatly. She and my girls all know my feelings on this...BIG TIME NO! I went so far as to tell my girls that they can have boys who are friends, but if they refer to a boy as a boyfriend, I'd go to school and whoop' his behind in front of them. Guess they believe me since I've never heard of any more talk of that kind. What'll I do when they're teenagers? Guess I'll let the sight of my weapons deter those thoughts again...
 

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1,511 Posts
Dirtdigger said:
Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged,
dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the
all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are
going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the
whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and
five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the
sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice
paddy
near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my
head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my
daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit
your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password,
announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home
safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to
come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
i have found these 2 the most funny even tho i have no daughter but date girls my age who i could picture there father doign something like that
 

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Registered
Joined
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1,077 Posts
Dirtdigger said:
I have hung on to this for some time.I can finally start relating to this . She came home and said there was a boy she liked in her class....:banghead

For those of you with daughters :

Ten Simple Rules for Dating My Daughter

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a
package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so
long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep
your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to
wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their
hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends
are
complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this
issue, so I propose his compromise: You may come to the door with your
underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not
object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact,
come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my
electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your
waist.

Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a
"barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it
comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other,
we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please
do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication
of
when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the
only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to
date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my
daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will
continue
to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her
cry,
I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear,
and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to
be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is
putting
on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden
Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something
useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter:
Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden
stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within
eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is
dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient
temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank
tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and
a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong
romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features
chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are
better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged,
dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the
all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are
going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the
whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and
five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the
sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice
paddy
near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my
head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my
daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit
your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password,
announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home
safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to
come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

And this is why I fear all fathers of females...Whether I'm even interested in talking to them, much less taking them on a date..I fear their father..
 

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Banned
Joined
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6,930 Posts
I really like...
Dirtdigger said:
Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a
"barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it
comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged,
dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the
all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are
going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the
whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and
five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
 

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Roller rockers are gay
Joined
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19,191 Posts
Dirtdigger said:
Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged,
dimwitted has-been
. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the
all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are
going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the
whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and
five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
the funny thing is that's him. :histerica


and um, why did i not hear of this until now? big brother needs to have a little talk with little sister.

to quote mels, slightly changed:

men are 'da debil.
 

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RESIDENT ASSHOLE
Joined
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10,765 Posts
Discussion Starter #8
Blue'87GT said:
All sound like good rules to me (dad of two girls). For some reason women think that it's cute for a 5-7 year old to have a "boyfriend". This is where my wife and I disagree greatly. She and my girls all know my feelings on this...BIG TIME NO! I went so far as to tell my girls that they can have boys who are friends, but if they refer to a boy as a boyfriend, I'd go to school and whoop' his behind in front of them. Guess they believe me since I've never heard of any more talk of that kind. What'll I do when they're teenagers? Guess I'll let the sight of my weapons deter those thoughts again...
See ,I'm one up on ya there.My daughter has three older brothers.At my request(when I say so) they will chaparone(follow) my little girl where ever she goes .:thumbupIf not,I will simply discuss their lack of co-operation with them (kick their asses) if they choose not to follow her !
 

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Roller rockers are gay
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19,191 Posts
i'll be happy to follow her. providing you pay my gas.
 

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6,177 Posts
This reminds me of my girlfriend's dad. He's in no way a mean person, he's actually very nice and will give the shirt off his back to anyone who asks, but he's very (read: VERY) intimidating....

Can't wait to see what the future holds... :brownbag
 

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RESIDENT ASSHOLE
Joined
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10,765 Posts
Discussion Starter #12
stepchild88 said:
the funny thing is that's him. :histerica


and um, why did i not hear of this until now? big brother needs to have a little talk with little sister.

to quote mels, slightly changed:

men are 'da debil.
Let me try to explain this in terms you will understand.I,being the ass kicker does not have to tell you,the ass kicky anything except where and when to follow her and take all appropriate actions(as deemed by me).That is all !:goodfinge
 

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trust me i ain't doing nothing with your daughter(expecially if they are under 18) But seriously not every guy out there is out for just one thing, But that is a bonus thou......:whiteflag :whiteflag

I never had a problem with the father, we usually got along. It was the mother that scaried me!!!

Women the debils not mens we just just debils demons.
 

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Roller rockers are gay
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19,191 Posts
well, see that's fine and dandy. i'll keep track of the miles, and you give me gas money accordingly.
 

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RESIDENT ASSHOLE
Joined
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10,765 Posts
Discussion Starter #15
-Spazmatic- said:
This reminds me of my girlfriend's dad. He's in no way a mean person, he's actually very nice and will give the shirt off his back to anyone who asks, but he's very (read: VERY) intimidating....

Can't wait to see what the future holds... :brownbag
Let me try to help. If you were my daughter's B/F and brought her home late from a date.......your future would look mighty bleek !
 

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Teddy Bear
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2,209 Posts
i have yet to meet a father of a girlfriend that dosent like me, in fact they like and trust me enough to work on some of their cars, even tho my current girlfriend's father dosent like my truck because its too loud.
 

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RESIDENT ASSHOLE
Joined
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10,765 Posts
Discussion Starter #18
stepchild88 said:
well, see that's fine and dandy. i'll keep track of the miles, and you give me gas money accordingly.
Fine ,I'll just keep track of the miles and charge you rent on the truck . So......:goodfinge
 

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OOPS GIVE A DAMN IS BROKE
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8,920 Posts
hmmmmmmmmmm as a father of three girls and one who has well lets just say is hitting that time in the world were life goes to hell in a hand basket. i like all of the rules.
 

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Roller rockers are gay
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19,191 Posts
Dirtdigger said:
Fine ,I'll just keep track of the miles and charge you rent on the truck . So......:goodfinge
:whiteflag
 
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