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1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the
sweaty things.

2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why
do we still have monkeys and apes?

5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he
knows where all the bad girls live.

6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman
"Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told
me, it would defeat the purpose.

7. Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing
sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses?

8. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands
with soap?

9. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest
speaking and there is no woman around to hear he still wrong?

10. If someone with multiple personalities threatens
to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

11. Is there another word for synonym?

12. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what
they do "practice?"

13. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from
it all?"

14. What do you do when you see an endangered
animal eating an endangered plant?

15. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish
his wages?

16. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

17. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?
Are they afraid someone will clean them?

18. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless
or naked?

19. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

20. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

21. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him
he has the right to remain silent?

22. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through
bank machines?

23. How do blind people know when they are done wiping?

24. How do they get the deer to cross at that
yellow road sign?

25. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns
because they taste funny?
26. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

27. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk
about other people.

28. To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but
not be able to say it.

29. Never underestimate the power of stupid people
in large groups.

30. The older you get, the better you realize you were.

31. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

32. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.

33. Women like silent men, they think they're listening.

34. Men are from Earth, women are from Earth.
Deal with it.

35. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.
Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat
and drink beer all day.

36. Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?

37. Before they invented drawing boards, what
did they go back to?

38. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults
enjoy adultery?
39. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

40. If God dropped acid, would he see people?

41. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the
rest have to drown too?

42. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it
still #2?

43. If work is so terrific, how come they have to
pay you to do it?

44. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still
be hungry?

45. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have
you done?

46. Why is it called tourist season if we can't
shoot at them?
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