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3 convicts were on their way to prison. Each was allowed to take one item to help occupy themselves whilst incarcerated.

On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?"

The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the "The Grandma Moses of Jail".

Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?"

The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and said, "I brought cards. I can play solitaire, gin, poker and any number of games..."

The third convict was sitting quietly opposite them, grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, "Hey, why are you so smug? What exactly did you bring?"

The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled saying, "I brought these!"

Staring in puzzlement, the other two asked: "What on earth can you do with those?"

Grinning and pointing to the box he replied, "Well according to the box ... I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating..."
 

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Past Bronco Owner
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ta-da-dom
 

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HAHAHA!
 

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Never ending project
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:histerica :histerica :histerica :twak
 

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o[|||]o
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:toothless
 

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Zombie Hunter
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another funny

Mujibar was trying to get into the USA legally through Immigration.

The Officer said, Mujibar, you have passed all the tests,
except there is one more test. Unless you pass it, you cannot
enter the United States of America."
Mujibar said, "I am ready."

The officer said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green."


Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said,
"Mister Officer, I am ready."


The Officer said, "Go ahead."


Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green, green, and I pink it up,
and say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar.'"

Mujibar now works at a Sprint help desk.


I talked to him yesterday.
 

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Two families from Iraq were on the boat coming to America. The dads met each other at the docks in Iraq. When they got to America they moved in next to each other by coincidence. The dads made a bet for 100$, the first family to become the most American in a month would win the money. A month later the met at the fence and the first dad said, "Well I just picked my son up from baseball practice and picked up a 30 brick of Bud so me and my wife can watch the football game tonight. What have you been up to?" The second dad looked at him and said, "**** you raghead."
 

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Sway's jealous of my
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Mwahaha

I've used the pink green yellow one in class before, but its still damn funny.
 

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Choosing a wife

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.



The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.



The man was impressed.



The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.



Again, the man is impressed.



The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.



Obviously, the man was impressed.



The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.



Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.:toothless
 

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A little boy came down to breakfast. Since he lived on a farm, his mother asked if he had done his chores.

"Not yet," said the little boy.

His mother tells him he can't have any breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.


"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.


"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon, either. I also saw you kick the cow, so you aren't getting any milk this morning."


Just about then, his father comes down for breakfast, and he kicks the cat as he's walking into the kitchen.


The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "Are you going to tell him, or should I?":toothless
 

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Involuntary Muscle contractions

A professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to first year medical students.

Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"

She replied, "He's probably down at the bar getting drunk with his friends":toothless
 

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While riding the range one day, a ventriloquist cowboy met an Indian riding along with a dog and a sheep and decided to have some fun with him.

Cowboy: "Hey, nice dog you got there. Mind if I speak to him?"

Indian: "Dog no talk."

Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"


Dog: "Doin' good." The Indian is shocked...


Cowboy: "Is this Indian your owner?" pointing at the Indian.

Dog: "Yep"

Cowboy: "How does he treat you?"

Dog: "Real good. He lets me run free twice a day, feeds me great

food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play." The Indian has a

look of total disbelief.

Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Indian: "Horse no talk."

Cowboy: "Hey horse, how are you?"

Horse: "Good."

Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" Indicating the Indian again.

Horse: "Yep"

Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me
down often, and keeps me under a tree to protect me from the rain"

The Indian stares in utter amazement.

Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

Indian: "Sheep is liar.":toothless
 

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Engineer
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Funny stuff guys keep it coming
 

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Lick my balls
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Not the funniest but the only one I can think of right now.
A 1 year mission to mars, 3 astronauts.
The scientists realize shortly before the launch that there was a mistake in the weight calculation and they can each take as much as 150 lbs of whatever they want.

The first guy says, "I love my wife, I'll take her."

The second guy says, "Ive always wanted to learn Greek, so I'll take all these books and language tapes.

The third guy says, "I love cuban cigars, I'll bring 150 lbs of cigars."

1 year later the space craft comes back and the first guy comes out holding a new born baby and his loving wife beside him, and the gathered crowd cheers.
The second guy comes out and starts speeking perfect Greek, and the crowd cheers.
The third guy comes out with a cigar clenched between his teeth and says, "Anybody got a light?!?!?!"
 
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