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Super Moderator
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Discussion Starter #122
Hello everyone.
Thank you so much for the kind words, prayer, and encouragement. It means a lot to me.
It's been a very strange last few days. As hard as everything has been, this is the calm after the storm. It's been 3 years of ramping up more and more to the point where my life basically became about care and cancer, and suddenly nothing. No more hospitals, medicine, pain, anguish. Just, silence and normalcy. I haven't been able to figure out what to do with myself.

I think the hardest part for me is realizing that I've already missed my wife for a very long time, and that the grieving process started a long time ago. She's been so sick for so long that all I could do was take care of her. It's sad, but she just wasn't capable of being present. I've been so involved with tending to her and her needs, that I was able to ignore the emptiness I had.

I know the hospice counselors, nurses, etc. all talked to me about that. They said that I'd feel relief and that it was okay, and I shouldn't feel guilty about it. I didn't know what they meant until now. It's suddenly all gone and I get to be me again and have my life back. Yeah, feeling that way is hard to not feel guilty.

I miss her like crazy though. Just a single mention of her makes my eyes well up. But I'm glad she's resting peacefully and no longer has to deal with all of this. It was just so much. It made me cry as I went through the cabinets and literally threw away over a pound of pills and medication. The mountains of it the poor girl had to swallow just to keep from writhing in pain.

No matter how much I wanted to take her cancer away, I couldn't. So at least I can rejoice and be happy that she no longer has to fight it. I can't even begin to imagine the amazingness she's experiencing right now.

Now, I have the slow process of moving forward. I'm free of the pain now too. I just hate what it took to get there.

Thanks for letting me rant.
 

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Premium Member
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1,729 Posts
Amen, she's experiencing something so awesome we can't begin to imagine, and I'm sure you did all you could for her, and it's a natural response, but there's no reason to feel guilty. I'm sure you will miss her and sorrow for her loss, but "sorrow not as others who have no hope". I'm sure she would want you to honor her memory by living well and moving on to the next phase of your life. God speed brother.
 

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Addicted to Junk
85 Bronco, 309ci I6 w/4bbl, np435, 4" lift, 37" Irok NDs, 4.56 w/ Detroit Locker and tru trac
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12,029 Posts
Justin, I know many can relate to the feelings you have, but that doesnt fill the void.

I like to think of Heaven as they describe in an episode of American Dad. Heaven is what your heart most desires. I like to think she's up there living life as normal, with everyone she knew and loved here in the mortal world. But unlike the mortal world, there is no pain or suffering, just joy and happiness.

Now that your mind has time to think, dont let it sit idle. That's the worst thing you can do. Keep yourself occupied, and focus on what makes you happy. Do not feel guilty. Teresa would not want you to feel that way, as you did all you could to comfort her.

Take care, and get out and enjoy life. She would want that. But dont be afraid to cry now and again either. Its healthy.
 

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Premium 4 Lyfe - Way Back Staff
'95 XLT: 5.8, MAF, E4OD, 4.56's, 6" on 33's
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35,925 Posts
I can tell you this, fwiw... when it's my time and I head out, the last thing I want is people I cared about being sad. When I kick off... I'd like to think the few friends I have left will have a nice little party, laugh and joke about what a crazy pain in the ass I was and move on with their lives, hopefully just a little better off for me having been a small part of it. I think, to some degree... that's what most of us would like for the loved ones we leave behind.
Keep that in mind going forward. There will be those times when you run across something she had or something she would have loved, don't let that be a soul crushing down time. You may cry and get emotional and that's ok but remember to take some of the joy that she shared with you and put into your life again, even for just that moment. I've laughed while crying and it not easy... but it's good.

"Tis better to have loved and lost, then to never have loved at all."
We're all wishing nothing but the best for you as you pick up the pieces and carry on. As said... God Speed.
 

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The Tennessee Warden
96 XL, 5.8L, E4OD, BW1356, 4.56 gears
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3,313 Posts
Hey Justin,

I would like to add something to this convo also... to me, it means a lot that you even shared all of this with us. To think that you think enough of this community to share such a personal struggle, that you came here for support, just shows how much we all mean to you. Not everyone would have done that. The mutual respect among this group is something I haven’t seen much of anymore. I think that’s one of the things that make this group here at FSB somewhat unique - in a good way.

Now, if you can see yourself gathering a little motivation, keep your hands busy. Get that stuff done you have been putting off. Keep busy and take care of yourself!
 

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Premium Member
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484 Posts
You did a fantastic job helping your wife under circumstances beyond your control. After my 21 year old disabled son died almost two years ago I beat myself up that I couldn’t save him. Then the guilt set in. Yes it’s a normal part of the process but try to get rid of it as fast you can or it will eat you up. The time is yours now.
 

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Premium 4 Lyfe - Way Back Staff
'95 XLT: 5.8, MAF, E4OD, 4.56's, 6" on 33's
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35,925 Posts
Just thinking about you and wanted to drop a little encouragement. Hope things are going well, getting back on track and this Kung Flu mess hasn't gotten in the way.
 

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Premium Member
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1,729 Posts

Lookin' forward to having you hangin' around again!
 

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Super Moderator
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Discussion Starter #132
Hi everyone.

I really appreciate all the kind words and support. I read them at the time, but wasn't in a place to be writing back.
It's crazy that it's been a month already. It feels like forever.

It's been a long month, either way. After already being isolated and home taking care of my wife for a month and a half, I was ready to bust out of here and go on a road trip and just get away from everything. A few days later, things started going on lockdown, and I've been quarantined in my house all alone. I think in the long run it's been better, since it made me deal with things directly, but it's still been hard. Then there's been the mountains of paperwork... Medical bills, insurance, credit cards, bank accounts, etc. etc. etc. that all need filing, reporting, death certificates, etc. It's been crazy.

But things are getting back to normal. Been starting to work on some projects around the house and on the Bronco, trying to get my life back to some semblance of normalcy. It's honestly been 3 years since I've really been able to just do whatever, as it's been hospitals and cancer fighting. It's hard remembering what I used to do for fun at times. I'm figuring it out though.

I'll also be returning to work in a few weeks, which'll be nice.


I'll be around more.
Thanks for thinking of me everyone. I appreciate it.
 

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Premium 4 Lyfe - Way Back Staff
'95 XLT: 5.8, MAF, E4OD, 4.56's, 6" on 33's
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35,925 Posts
Keep on keepin' on buddy! Getting back into the groove will take time but it's also an opportunity to re-invent yourself. Pursue new interests, expand your horizons. Besides... old habits can lead to rumination and I know from experience, that sh!t can mess your head up.

Glad to hear you're doing well and getting through the "wrap up". Given time and purpose, the sky's the limit from here on.
 

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Forward Some Money
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5,025 Posts
Sorry for your loss. I haven't been on for a while so I was slow in my condolences. It's a lot of work (mentally, physically, emotionally) caring for a loved one. What I've learned is to be patient with the healing process and let the emotions out as they ebb and flow. I wish you well and again, extend my sympathies.
 
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